Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
