: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I am available for nakedness
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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