They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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