Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
