Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize