This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
