85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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