she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
