i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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