I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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