ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
