If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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