i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I woke up under a house in Key West
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