i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize