Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
