Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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