whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
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