theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
