We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
