i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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