You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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