i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
