I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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