i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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