U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
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