We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
