i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
