hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
My feet surprised me
Randomize
