Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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