I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
