I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
