i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I had to cum in my sink.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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