oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
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