I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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