He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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