Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
