so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
