the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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