i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
