its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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