I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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