I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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