I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
