I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
