pedialite and red bull = repair kit
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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