my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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