I CAN MOONWALK!
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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