U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
