she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize