I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
