so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize