I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
