I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize