There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize