Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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