If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
