Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
