Whod you bang
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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